ok, so to this very day, i have never told CeCe about what happened. We lost touch a few years after highschool and were just recently in touch for a H.S. reunion. Oh how great it was so see her.. We went back to the old neighborhood. Just seeing our old houses around the corner fom each other brought back a flood of memories - some good, some not so good... but it was great to see her... still torn - sometimes victims of child abuse or molestation often feel guilt about not telling - the shame, the embarrassment, whatever the reason and now 30 years later, what would be the point? altho I often wonder if I had said something - what havoc that would be brought down.. but then did he do that to anyone else? his sisters even? I just can't go there...
I am 12 and I babysit. There is this couple in our church who has a young daughter and a step daughter who only visits every other weekend, etc... she is 10. The youngest is 5 or 6 I can't remember...now. Anyway - I spend alot of time at their house when Rebecca is visiting (the older sister) so she has someone to play with. (her parents idea). We get along great, we become spend alot of time together. We stay up late watching movies (scary ones of coure!) - We play board games, talk about dreams for the future (which boy currently have a crush on that doesn't even know we exist.. you know the usual young girl stuff...) Even though Rebecca is 10, she is more mature for her age, and so am I. I am not mature in the worldly sense - as I have lived a sheltered life compared to my many cousins and friends. My parents are super strict.. but I am let out to babysit.... It's funny when I was in grade school, I could roam the neighborhood with my friends for hours - unsupervised... and I had to be home when the streetlights came on... the strict thing comes into play as a teenager - Most of my life to this point has been babysitting, TV, and church. We go to church Sunday, Sunday night, Wed night and now sometimes Friday night for youth group. My whole body tightens as I begin to write about this.. the memories flooding back, too fast for me to type - I feel like I am in the ocean and the waves are so high.
So it starts with innocent flirting.. I am 12, i love the attention. 27 years later I realize that lack of attention from my father contributes to my need for attention... i know dime store psychobabble...could be true. Anyway - I start to feel special... and important.. then things progress to wrestling and tickling.. I remember the first kiss - we are wrestling on the floor, it's late at night and the three of us (we will call him Rod.) Rod, Rebecca and I are up late watching a movie - the wife is in bed asleep. He asks me to scratch his back, he takes off his shirt - and I scratch... in my mind I think, so this is what it is like to be a wife - scracthing a back.. getting a cold soda for him, etc... this is fun, i think
so, we wrestle, he starts to tickle me, i am laughing so hard - wriggling around, he pins my arms and hands and everthing stops. Rebecca is sitting near by - she was joining in on the fun - and then for a second it stops.. Again - the world seems to move in slow motion - he leans in and kisses me. He then gets up and goes upstairs to bed - leaving me there on the floor confused. What was that? Rebecca turns away ignores it and we say nothing. We go get a drink, go back to watching our movie. But something has changed between us. I am so confused, I don't know what to think. I think to myself wow- and older guy likes me - I feel special and important.. yet confused...
I am 12 and he is 30.
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